Sin and Contrition

[dlgood]

Yom Kippur Posting... from page 383 of the Mahzor:

"This is how we become aware of the effort to purify the self: to become aware of our inner enslavement to the ego, to detect the taints in our virtues, the tinge of idolatry in our worship of G-d...

After all our attempts to purify the self, we discover that envy, vanity, pride continue to prowl in the dark... Should we, then despair of our being unable to retain perfect purity? We should, if perfection were our goal. However, we are not obliged to be perfect once and for all, but only to rise again and again beyond the level of the self. Perfection is divine, and to make it a goal of man is to call on man to be divine. All we can do is try to wring our hearts clean in contrition. Contrition begins with a feeling of shame at our being incapable of disintanglement from the self. To be contrite at our failures is holier than to be complacent in prefection."

It's Yom Kippur, and I'm busy practicing self-denial and reflection. What does it mean to me?

I'll preface: I'm not a great Jew. I'm probably not even a good Jew. I don't obey all the commandments, and I'm nowhere near diligient enough in pursuing mitzvot. I don't spend enough time in prayer or self-reflection. I have neglected my studies of the Torah and Midrashim. I'm not nearly kind enough or charitable enough. I'm prideful and lazy.

And I'm not proud of that. I'm not complacent. I'll never achieve the divine, which, like the 10' rim, is out of my reach. But I do strive. And I do not excuse. To see my accomplishments as small, and my failings as great, so that I might work to overcome them. To see offenses done against me as minor, and my offenses done against others as great, so I might endeavor to be more just in my dealings.

If I have been wronged, I must work to forgive because not all are divine. If I have wronged others, I must be humbled. I can and should be a better man than I am.

Yom Kippur is a day of reckoning with G-d, and a day of atonement. My guilt is not merely about feeling contrite for screwing up. (although I do) My own guilt is the motivator, the reminder that I am not perfect. That I should not be complacent. That I have much to learn, and much work to do. Because I can be a better man. And I should be.

It's not about punishments and rewards. Although we deal with both every day. It's about justifying my own existence. Am I making an honest effort to make the most of myself? Am I succeeding in my efforts when I do try? How do I correct for past failures? How do I ensure that I do better in my future?

To those whom I have offended, I am sorry, and offer humble apology, though I know I'll offend again. To myself, whom I have assuredly offended, I seek forgiveness for my failings, though I know I'll offend again. Man cannot achieve the divine.

But that's no excuse to stop trying hard to get a little bit closer.

Comments

[gchick.livejournal.com]

Dude, I don't even know you -- I found your Yom Kippur post through a link a friend IM'ed me from her friendsfriends. Which makes us, what, friendsfriendsfriends? And yet, you've summed up so much of the spirit of the thing.

May your fast be easy.

[dlgood.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much.. I did just get back from Synagoguge, so I'm very much in the spirit.

And I thank whichever friend, friend of friend, or so on who thought my words worth reading. My best wishes to you and yours.

[minim_calibre]

This is a beautiful and thoughtful entry, which strikes a deep chord of recognition somewhere in my soul, and reminds me why I'm religious, and why my faith is important despite my slipshod practices.

Thank you.

[dlgood.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. My best to you and yours.

[kitanotjames.livejournal.com]

Be blessed this year.

[makaidiver.livejournal.com]

What gchick and minim said. I'm glad gchick linked to it.

[dlgood.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I am very much honored. My best to you and your family.

[darkrhiannon.livejournal.com]

Blessings, my friend. Go into the new year knowing that you have made at least one life richer and more meaningful because of your beautiful thoughts.

-Rhi

[dlgood.livejournal.com]

Your blessings are very much appreciated. Thank you.

[scribesds.livejournal.com]

That was lovely; perhaps if we all tried to think like that there would be less strife in the world. I hope your day went well.

[dlgood.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much.

[maquisleader.livejournal.com]

The most important thing is that you know you're going to make mistakes and you don't try to deny that. Accepting and trying to be better and do better and having the strength to apologize is what makes good people. And I think you're good people.

[dlgood.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

According to my Rabbi, and my own reading of the text, that's the primary point of both the holiday and the religion as a whole.

I don't claim to be "good" people. I think I'm "okay" people. I do believe in my religion, and according to the tenets, I haven't done enough. I give myself a C. Which isn't bad, but I feel like I should be going for "A".

It's just that, being a good Jew and good person, according to my reading, takes a lot of work. And right now, I'm lazy enough to settle. You dig?